Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
All the doctor said was why
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
