i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
