Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
