Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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