Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
one might say we're banned from that church
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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