When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
