I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this just has baby written all over it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
