her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize