2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
