i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
