I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
