Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
