apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
