K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
