So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize