The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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