There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
