I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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