I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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