The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
