Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
two words: eviction party
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
