I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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