your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
