It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
