if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
