your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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