I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
