i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
