i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She's the barista slut.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I FOUND THE LEGS
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
