it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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