No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize