I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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