The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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