I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
