this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
