dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
