it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
