dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize