Apparently you make a good broom.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
