So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
