This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
