that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
