if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
