I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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