Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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