Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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