they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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