My nipple is on Facebook.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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