There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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