i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
