Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
