Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
