You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
